Archiv der Kategorie: Funnies

What if Operating Systems Were Airlines?

There are things that must not get lost in time.
Best thing to do is backup. So here is my backup:

  • DOS Airlines
    Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then they push again jump on again, and so on.
  • OS/2 Airlines
    The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, though there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
    Once they finally finished you’re offered a flight at reduced cost.  To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill our a form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you succeed in getting on the plane and the plane succeeds in taking off the ground, you have a wonderful trip…except for the time when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you will just have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.
  • Windows Air
    The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off.  After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
  • Windows NT Air
    Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
    What if Operating Systems Were Airlines? weiterlesen →

If programming languages ran the Airlines

There are things that must not get lost in time.
Best thing to do is backup. So here is my backup:

  • PL/1 Mainframe Air:
    You arrive at the airport. It’s not really an airport, but actually an old wooden building next to the river. You ask why there isn’t a real airport. A very old man answers you that they have been building with wood ever since the beginning of construction, so it must be good. You ask where you can check in and when your plane leaves, but you are answered that they really don’t have any planes, because they think planes are too modern. Instead, you must place your luggage and yourself into a rowing boat in the river. This is because people have been using rowing boats for centuries, so rowing boats have proven that they work very good. You argue that a rowing boat can’t possibly take you to your destination 2000 miles away, but the old man insists that you try. After all, the rowing boat has never let HIM down. The fact that he only ever went as far as 2 miles up the river can’t convince him. In the end, with no choice left, you decide to give it a try. At first, all goes quite well. The old man can steer the rowing boat very fast down the river, but when you finally arrive at sea, the old man has a heart-attack and dies. You are now in the middle of the ocean, with nothing but a pair of paddles. Good luck.
    If programming languages ran the Airlines weiterlesen →

Softskills: Development by…

Yesterday I read a tweet that deserved more than a simple RT:

  • Asshole Driven development (ADD) – Any team where the biggest jerk makes all the big decisions is asshole driven development. All wisdom, logic or process goes out the window when Mr. Asshole is in the room, doing whatever idiotic, selfish thing he thinks is best. There may rules and processes, but Mr. A breaks them and people follow anyway.
  • Cognitive Dissonance development (CDD) – In any organization where there are two or more divergent beliefs on how software should be made. The tension between those beliefs, as it’s fought out in various meetings and individual decisions by players on both sides, defines the project more than any individual belief itself.
  • Cover Your Ass Engineering (CYAE) – The driving force behind most individual efforts is to make sure than when the shit hits the fan, they are not to blame.
  • Development By Denial (DBD) – Everybody pretends there is a method for what’s being done, and that things are going ok, when in reality, things are a mess and the process is on the floor. The worse things get, the more people depend on their denial of what’s really happening, or their isolation in their own small part of the project, to survive.
  • Get Me Promoted Methodology (GMPM) – People write code and design things to increase their visibility, satisfy their boss’s whims, and accelerate their path to a raise or the corner office no matter how far outside of stated goals their efforts go. This includes allowing disasters to happen so people can be heroes, writing hacks that look great in the short term but crumble after the individual has moved on, and focusing more on the surface of work than its value.

Here is the source:

Softskills: Management by…

Bisher kannte ich folgende „Management-By“-Arten:

  • Management by Babysitter
    Man kĂĽmmert sich um die Angelegenheit, wo jemand am lautesten schreit.
  • Management by Champignon
    Die Mitarbeiter im Dunkeln lassen, gelegentlich mit Mist bestreuen; und wenn sich ein heller Kopf zeigt: abschneiden!
  • Management by Moses
    Er fĂĽhrte sein Volk in die WĂĽste und hoffte auf ein Wunder.
  • Management by AlphĂĽttli
    Hoch oben angesiedelt, aber furchtbar primitiv eingerichtet.
  • Management by Jeans
    An den wichtigsten Stellen sitzen die größten Nieten.
  • Management by Ping-Pong
    Jeden Vorgang solange zurĂĽck- oder weitergeben, bis er sich von selbst erledigt.

Eine komplette Liste habe ich dann hier gefunden: